


I want to hold your hand

by orphan_account



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-02
Updated: 2011-08-02
Packaged: 2017-10-22 03:42:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/233364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Puck has held many hands in his life - Kurt's is just the most important one. Originally posted 10/05/10</p>
            </blockquote>





	I want to hold your hand

Puck knows that the girls in school regard him as a good fuck but a terrible lover. The girls whisper behind hands that he doesn't stick around after getting off and that dating isn't on his menu. Puck doesn't argue these points because it's true. He doesn't want to date these girls, doesn't want to spoon with them after he gets what he wants. They're plastic and simpering and wholly unattractive to him.

But he does want to be a good lover. It's kinda pansy for him to admit to even himself but Puck _really_ wants that high school romance the movies talk about. He thinks that maybe that's why he slept with Quinn in the first place. Maybe he just wanted to destroy something he wanted so badly that he fucked his best friend’s girl and got her pregnant.

Puck doesn't regret what happened. Beth is a beautiful baby, and he gets an email from Ms. C with pictures and updates because he asked her to. Sometimes he wonders if things could have gone differently between him and Quinn- if he'd been responsible from the start he could have had that high school romance with Quinn, holding hands as they walk to class and kissing at their lockers. Then he realizes that, no, even if he'd gone about it correctly, he and Quinn were connected by nothing more than a baby girl that isn't even theirs.

Still, when he watches Santana and Brittany hold hands as they wall down the hall he wants to scream for something he'll never have.

-

 _The first hand he can clearly remember holding is Finn's. He's decided he's too old to hold his mom's hand in the grocery store because he's a big boy now. He doesn't like the feeling of sweaty palms as he pulls at her arm to walk in the opposite direction and he doesn't like the way the big kids look at him like he's below them. So he screams and cries until his mom gives up and lets him wander around the aisles freely._

 _Then he meets Finn at recess one day and he chews his words about not needing to hold anyone’s hand, thank you._

 _Puck doesn't need to hold Finn's hand, though. Finn, however, is a bit on the small side and is easily pushed around by the second graders. Puck hates seeing people cry, so when Finn starts sniffing as dust is kicked over his jeans, he pushes Dave Karofsky to the ground. Before Karofsky can retaliate, Puck grabs Finn by the hand and pulls him into a run. They run and run and run until they're close enough to hide out at the top of a slide._

 _They catch their breath as they peer over the side of the jungle gym at Karofsky and his goons. They're within eyesight of the teachers on duty and feel safe enough to relax. Finn's hand is still grasped tightly around his and he stares at it, confused._

 _“Gonna let go?” he begins to ask but the fear in Finn's eyes is still present so he shuts up. He bites his lip and thinks of how he can make Finn happy. “Wanna slide?”_

 _Finn looks over the edge of the slide and closes his eyes. “It's really tall.”_

 _“That's what's fun about it,” Puck replies. “We can go together if you want.”_

 _Finn agrees after what seems like forever to Puck and with their hands still clasped together they slide side-by-side down the plastic tube._

-

Puck decides that Kurt Hummel isn't such a bad guy once you get used to him. He's snippy and thinks that he's better than everyone with the way he dresses and the way his lifts his nose at everyone around him. It takes Puck a while to realize that Hummel _is_ better than everyone.

When Hummel lays it into Mr. Schue for having a stick up his ass? Well, Puck can't help but _respect_ the guy. Even if he's wearing a skirt and - are those _leggings_? Puck grins and shakes his head because Hummel totally has bigger balls than the rest of them. Even if Hummel's a homo, Puck can't help but want to keep him on his side.

So he sits with Hummel and his friends at lunch. Mike's wormed his way into their foursome by dating Tina and makes sure to hold her hand under the table as Artie tries to catch her eye. Puck thinks that maybe the hand holding isn't because Mike wants to remind Tina that he's her boyfriend and not Artie. The way Tina looks at Mike and not Artie, however, makes Puck reevaluate that assumption. Maybe, just maybe, they hold hands because they already trust each other.

The others peer curiously over their lunch trays and brown bags at him but don't dare say anything. It almost annoys him that he hasn't bullied any of them in like a year and they're still afraid of him. He notices Artie subtly lock his wheels and grab a fork for defense.

Hummel, however, isn't afraid. He just sits there with an eyebrow cocked like he's daring Puck to do something. There's a tense, silent moment before Puck opens his mouth.

“So what did Schue do to you?” he asks as he spears a noodle with his fork.

Still unruffled by Puck's appearance Kurt answers, “Saturday detention.”

“That's not so bad. The teacher on duty's pretty easy,” he says, hoping that it sounds encouraging. “Don't get how he punishes you but whatever Berry does just slides.”

Hummel sighs. “I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I need to help my dad on Saturday, not sit in the library for four hours. He hasn't been feeling good lately so I promised him I'd do the books for the garage.”

“Nah, don't sweat it, Hummel. I'm sure your dad'll be fine.” Puck pats him on the back and ignores the way Hummel tenses up. “Maybe Schue will loosen the tie a little. And if that doesn't work we could always just walk out.”

The tension from the others breaks as Mercedes laughs. “Rachel would be _so pissed_ if we all walked out.”

Hummel smiles wickedly and relaxes in his seat as he eats an apple. “In that case I think we should do it. Thank you for the great idea, Puck. Next time Mr. Schue treats Glee like a dictatorship then we'll start a coup.”

The conversation turns to a betting pool of how long until Mr. Schuester snaps again. Puck isn't paying much attention as he pushes his goulash around his plate. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see the fragile bones in Hummel's wrist shift as he lifts the apple to his mouth. His hand is white against the red of the apple and looks as soft as any girl's hand he's held. For a brief, fleeting moment he wonders what it would be like to hold Hummel's hand under the table like Tina and Mike.

-

 _When their dad leaves, his sister is only four. Without the man of the house around, Puck is afraid of what will happen to them. His mom works more often and takes on a second job at a gas station to supplement her nurses income. They have a baby sitter some nights, and his sister is in daycare at the hospital, but there are a few times when their mom can't afford to pay for someone to watch over them for a few hours. Those nights, Puck is left alone to be the caretaker._

 _The first meal he learns how to cook at age eleven is microwaved macaroni and cheese. It's a bit dry and the powder doesn't exactly melt right but he's so proud of himself. His sister thinks it's good, too, though she does fling a glob of noodles at his head because she can get away with it without their mom around. Puck wishes his mom could be there to taste the first dinner he made by himself._

 _A year and many microwave experimentations later, Puck takes his sister’s hand in his and walks her into her kindergarten classroom for the first time._

 _There are tears in her eyes when Puck introduces her to the teacher. “Be good, okay? I'll be here when school is over,” he says in a voice that is too old for a twelve-year old._

 _“Why can't I come with you?” Her lip wobbles and she sniffs back her tears._

 _Puck gives her a quick hug before letting go and stepping back. “You've got to learn stuff so you can be a big kid like me. Just be brave. Okay?”_

 _His sister nods and grabs his hand and gives it a squeeze. “Okay, Noah. I love you.”_

-

When the glee club finds out that Burt Hummel is in the hospital and Kurt is alone, surrounded by nurses and doctors and a sense of dread, they move in unscripted synchronized movement. Mercedes and Quinn immediately run for the parking lot. They're determined to seek Kurt out and console him as soon as possible. Rachel speaks quietly with Tina for a brief moment before they walk out of the room hand-in-hand as their boyfriends follow quickly behind. Puck overhears something about banana bread and sugar cookies.

They eventually end up agreeing to take shifts with Kurt. Even Santana, who pretends to not care but keeps a steady flow of coffee coming for an abnormally quiet Kurt. Puck keeps his distance, not entirely sure if his presence is appropriate, all things considered. He watches Kurt over the top of his magazine as Brittany curls herself into his shoulder to sleep.

Every time Santana replaces a tepid - but still full - cup of coffee with a freshly brewed cup in front of Kurt, it breaks Puck's heart a little. Burt Hummel is still unconscious even after two agonizing nights and it's sucking the life out of Kurt.

Though Finn offers him a ride home around midnight, Puck declines. He's tired but he's not letting Kurt sit here alone to wait for news. Once everyone else is gone, Kurt stands and walks to the nurse’s station. Puck watches as the nurse purses her lips together and shakes her head sadly. _No change._

Shoulders slumped, Kurt trudges in the opposite direction of the chair he was sitting in. Puck follows him quietly, knowing - possibly before Kurt does - where they're headed. They slip into the empty chapel like ghosts, the eerie flicker of candle light adding to the effect. Kurt halts just before the first row of pews, as if he's only just realized where his feet have dragged him. A broken, haunted sound suddenly reverberates around the room as Puck watches Hummel crumple to the floor.

Puck catches Kurt around the waist and makes shushing noises as sobs wrack the body in his arms. He still can't stand it when someone's crying. With his arms wrapped around him, he guides Kurt to the nearest pew and holds him til the crying begins to die down. Kurt pulls back and wipes his eyes with what could very well be a very expensive sleeve.

“Thank you,” Kurt says. His voice is shot from crying and not speaking for two days.

Puck can't think of a way to respond, a way to tell Kurt that it wasn't a problem at all, without sounding contrite. Instead he slips his hand into Kurt's and squeezes tight.

“Mi Sheberakh,” he begins. The Jewish prayer for the sick is one of the only prayers Puck can remember from Hebrew school, though he never thought he'd need it. He's glad that his mom forced him to memorize it above everything else.

His tongue rolls over the melodic sounds as he continues, eyes closed and head bowed towards the front of the chapel. “Avoteinu: Avraham, Yitzhak, v'Yaakov. v'Imoteinu: Sarah, Rivka, Rachel, v'Leah. Hu yivarekh virapei, Burt Hummel.”

When there's a shift of movement at his side, Puck pauses the prayer and looks over at Kurt unsteadily. He knows Kurt isn't religious but Puck thinks that this is right. It _feels_ right. When Kurt gives him a small, reassuring smile and squeezes his hand, Puck realizes that it _is_ right and continues the recitation with Kurt's hand grasped firmly in his.

-

 _Puck's first date is with Santana Lopez. They were in biology class together and he'd see her in the halls sometimes when he goes to his locker to get books for pre-algebra. She was the first girl in their grade to get boobs and all the boys want her._

 _Santana only wants Puck, though. She bats her eyelashes at him and flirts with him as he stands around awkwardly, waiting for someone to tell him what to do. He tells his mom about Santana and his mom coos. She tells Puck to ask this nice Santana girl out on a date and she'll drive them to the movies._

 _Saturday night, Puck is stuck awkwardly in the back seat with Santana happily chatting with his mom about the cheerleading camp she's going to in the summer. He sneaks a look at her out of the corner of his eye and wonders if this is a huge mistake. Santana's pretty scary for a girl - she has sharp eyes and an even sharper tongue. Puck's seen her cut down Dave several times in front of his friends, and he really doesn't want to be on the receiving end of her harsh words._

 _He needn't worry, however. Santana's actually kind of cool, if Puck's willing to admit it. She likes action movies and she holds his hand, squeezing tight whenever there's an exciting explosion. Santana even pulls him over for a sloppy first kiss when the hero is kissing the leading lady. In the back of Puck's mind, he thinks that maybe that's actually supposed to be his job but he doesn't dwell on it long because it is a_ fantastic _first kiss. She pulls away, adjusts her lip gloss, and continues holding his hand._

 _On Monday at school, Puck watches in disappointment as she proceeds to play tonsil hockey with a boy in a grade above them._

-

Kurt doesn't talk about the time in the chapel where they sat holding hands and praying for Burt Hummel. Puck knows Kurt appreciates it because he's less snappish towards him and gives him friendly smiles in the hallway when they pass each other. Sometimes they sit next to each other in glee and send each other comments about Rachel's appalling wardrobe or Mr. Schue's hair. A few times Kurt ribs him as he laughs and the contact makes Puck happy even for the briefest of moments.

It's not really friendship. Kurt doesn't invite him over for movie night with the girls and Puck doesn't ask him if he wants to be vocals on his and Mike's Rock Band team now that Matt's gone, but there's something there. Kurt doesn't say his name with disdain and Puck has begun calling him Kurt instead of Hummel. When the holidays roll around and he's shopping for Hanukkah presents for everyone for Rachel's holiday party Puck may spend more time on Kurt's gift than anyone else's.

Then there's an accident and things change.

His memory of that night is fuzzy at best. He can barely remember Tina and Artie's epic fight that night and most of what he knows is pieced together from what he's been told.

He is walking home one night after a long rehearsal. His car is in the shop but he lives only a few blocks away, so he hoofs it home. January's been a bitter bitch to Western Ohio and the wind is gusting sharply against his cheeks. He hunches down into his hoodie and braves forward for about a block until he hears a car drive behind him. Puck's been told that it's Hummel offering him a ride. He turns sharply, loses his footing on the icy side-walk, and then-

Nothing.

He wakes up to a low buzzing in his ear coupled with a rhythmic beep. He knows that beep - the sound of a heart monitor. And the buzzing sounds like Hebrew. Really poorly pronounced Hebrew but he can tell it's Hebrew nonetheless. He turns his head slightly, wincing when the movement sends a lance of pain through his skull. Kurt is sitting in the chair next to his bed reciting the Mi Sheberakh on a piece of worn-down printer paper.

Puck's about to say something when notices, finally notices, that Kurt's hand is grasping his tightly. He looks down and stares at the way they're folded together. Kurt's hand isn't fragile like the girls he used to date - it's bigger and stronger but no less soft or graceful. He absentmindedly rubs his thumb over Kurt's skin and gets his attention.

Kurt looks up quickly at the movement. His eyes are rimmed red and a tear trails down his face when he finally whispers, “Puck?”

“Hey,” Puck croaks. His throat is dry from disuse and his mouth tastes like crap. “Dude, don't cry. I'm totally fine.”

Soon he's enveloped in a tight hug that causes his head to pound. “Okay, maybe not _that_ okay,” he chokes out.

Kurt lets him go and wipes his eye with the back of his sleeve. One hand is still grasped tightly in Puck's even as Kurt passes him a cup. The water soothes the scratchiness in his throat but he finds himself still thirsty. When Puck asks for another cup, Kurt looks down at the hand and bites his lip.

“It's okay to let go now, Kurt,” Puck says softly. “I'm okay now.”

With a sound that's half-way between a sob and a laugh, Kurt reluctantly lets go. “There was so much blood and I thought you were going to die.” He laughs wryly. “I was getting used to having you around at lunch. So I came here every day to make sure you were okay, like if I let go of your hand you'd let go as well. I know it's silly.”

Puck wants to tell him that no, it isn't silly. Holding Kurt's hand will _never_ be silly.

-

 _As the years pass and he dates more and more girls, Puck holds lots of hands. It's an intimate touch that makes girls sigh and bat their eye lashes. He's always the first to make the move from flirting to touching. It's that second hint of interest, one that says I like you a bit more than to just flirt with and I hope you like me as well. It's a flawless move and gets himself into many tiny Cheerio skirts throughout high school._

 _Then he dates Rachel Berry._

 _She's the first to grab his hand and twine her impossibly small fingers with his. She chatters on and on in his ear and pulls him around the school. It puts Puck off balance, if he's going to be honest. He's always the one to lead and the one to talk the most because he's a dude and chicks aren't interested in quiet guys._

 _Rachel's different, however. She likes it when he's quiet and grunts affirmations to her questions, though they both know he has no idea what she's talking about. She plans out his day around hers and just generally bosses him around. She does it all while holding his hand and swinging their arms gaily, so it doesn't bother Puck much._

 _The biggest problem is that she won't put out._

 _Puck figures that if he'd been quicker and had taken her hand right away, he'd at least get to grab her boob, but before he can even make that a clear thought, she's breaking up with him. It doesn't hurt, not really. He's hung up on Quinn and she's hung up on Finn and their entire relationship was a huge joke._

 _The only thing that bothers him is that he kind of misses the way her hand felt in his, pulling him this way and that as she's scheduling time for them to make-out between classes. It was easy to be her boyfriend and Puck could have gotten used to easy. He briefly wonders if he'll ever get that easy feeling again._

-

Kurt visits every day that Puck’s in the hospital. He used to use catching him up on glee practice as an excuse, but when they stop talking about glee and start talking about movies and jokes, Puck knows that it's more than that. Sometimes Kurt's hand will find his as they talk, as if he's reassuring himself that Puck's okay and that he won't slip into a coma or anything. Puck doesn't mind, though. Kurt's hands are soft and firm as his fingers trace over the life line and heart line on his palm.

Some days they'll walk down to the hospital cafeteria and discuss whatever comes to mind over dinner. It's nice and peaceful. These moments allow them to be in their own little world where they choose what to bring in and what to keep out. Puck learns that Kurt has a wicked sense of humor and doesn't bat an eyelash over dick jokes. Kurt tells him that he printed the Mi Sheberakh off of the internet because he doesn't pray and doesn't know what to say to a god he doesn't exactly believe in but didn't want to sit there doing nothing.

Puck scoots over in his hospital bed and tells Kurt to climb up so they can watch cartoons on the tiny TV in the corner. They continue to hold hands and Kurt's head rests against his shoulder as they watch Adventure Time reruns. When the nurse comes in to tell him that visiting hours are over, Puck reluctantly shakes Kurt awake and smiles when Kurt promises to come back the next afternoon with pizza.

Then he's released and it's like being dropped out of heaven. The few days that he's at home tick by slowly because when he calls Kurt's phone there's no answer. He wants to talk to him, tell him a joke one of the candy stripers tell him as he was being wheeled out to his mom's car. Puck wonders if maybe Kurt's busy and that's why he can't talk - he'd never mentioned being busy that weekend, but then again, they didn't talk much about their lives when Kurt visited.

Once he's back in school, Kurt keeps his distance as everyone else crowds him with attention. The guys keep asking Puck to show them the stitches on the back of his head. The girls coo and run their hands over the shaved peach fuzz. Mr. Schue even lets him sit out some dance numbers when he claims that he has a headache.

Puck knows that the excuse won't last for long - two weeks at the most as they get closer to Regionals - but he just wants the opportunity to watch Kurt, really. He watches as Kurt moves fluidly with the music as Rachel belts out her solo, a solo that Puck thinks should have been Kurt's, honestly.

He wants to contemplate why Kurt might be so quiet lately, but the jeans he's chosen to wear are tight and Puck's fairly certain that there's no way Kurt could wear those pants with anything under them. He swallows thickly as he watches hips swivel along with the rhythm, watching Kurt with the same lustful gaze he once watched Quinn and Santana and Brittany as they did Cheerios practice. Like a flash of lightning, realization dawns on him. This is more than friendship, this is more than just being close to someone because of circumstances that brought them together.

 _This_ is Puck wanting to hold Kurt's in glee and under tables and on dates and in the hallways in front of everyone.

Puck feels strangely okay with the new development. The way he feels with Kurt is something different, something good. He doesn't want to destroy it, he doesn't want it out of convenience. Puck wants to hold Kurt's hand without the pretense of getting into his pants. He's sure that if he's given the chance that it'll happen naturally, but it isn't at the forefront of his mind.

After practice a few days later, Puck has a plan. He gathers his courage and walks down the hall to Kurt's locker where Mercedes and Tina are waiting for him to finish packing his bag. Mercedes glances up when he approaches and not-so-subtly taps Kurt on the arm.

“Hey, Kurt,” he greets. The last syllable rises like a question as if he's just asked if it's okay that he uses Kurt's first name. Kurt turns to him slowly, cautiously like a nervous animal. Puck clears his throat and looks to the ground as if it'll give him the right words to say. “I got that movie you told me about. The one with Bowie, you know? I was wondering if you wanted to come over and watch it with me this weekend.”

Apparently seeing where the conversation is headed, Mercedes and Tina duck out and tell Kurt that they'll meet him at his car. Tina throws Puck a wide smile and two thumbs-ups over Kurt's shoulder. The breath he didn't know he was holding escapes his lips when he realizes that he has their approval.

“Why?” Kurt asks. His arms are crossed over his chest and he's staring at a rust spot on a locker like it's the most interesting thing in the world.

Puck shrugs because he hadn't thought of the why. The why wasn't all that important to him. “We're friends, right?”

Kurt looks up sharply and studies Puck's face as if it can hold a hint of the conversation being a trick. When Puck gives him a hopeful smile, Kurt's suspicious gaze melts and he agrees to meet him Saturday night.

Cleaning isn't something Puck often does but Saturday morning sees him up early and nervously vacuuming the living room. He knows Hummel is well-off with his father’s tire and lube business and Puck's own home isn't much to blink at. It's modest and none of the furnishings really match but it's home. It's home and he wants Kurt to be comfortable, even if it doesn't suit his tastes.

His sister watches as he cleans cobwebs from the corners of the ceiling and asks if Quinn is coming over. Puck winces inwardly because the last time he did this much cleaning was when Quinn had appeared at their doorstep after having been politely asked to leave the Hudson residence. He tells her no, it's not Quinn. Quinn and Puck are just friends now.

Mrs. Puckerman appears in the doorway just then and asks if Puck's got another girl knocked up. The tone is light and teasing but it still hits Puck in the gut. “No, Ma. I'm just having my friend Kurt over,” he mumbles.

“Oh,” his mother says. After a few moments of mulling over what he's said, she shakes her head and smiles. With a kiss to his forehead, she tells her son to have fun and to be safe before leaving with his sister in tow.

Kurt appears promptly at six, bundled up in a charcoal peacoat that fits snugly around his body and wearing ear muffs that don't ruffle his perfect hair. Ushered in out of the cold, Kurt steps hesitantly into the house. Puck is acutely aware of way the hardwood floors creak in certain places and every spot where the wallpaper is beginning to peel, and he wishes he could back out on this movie night or postpone it til he's rich and has a mansion to impress Kurt with.

The state of the house doesn't seem to bother Kurt, however. Puck watches as his gaze is immediately enraptured by the photos on the mantle. Having seen them every day, Puck never thought about them before but now he wishes he'd hidden a few of them. There are pictures of his sister and pictures of the rest of his family, but he's not sure if he wants Kurt to see the ones of him. Him and Finn as kids. Him and his sister on her first day of school. Him and Santana before their first date. Him and Rachel at Hebrew school. Him and Mercedes and Quinn and Beth at the hospital.

“Cute,” Kurt says about the photo of Puck and his sister. Puck mumbles thanks and loads the movie into the DVD player.

Puck's already seen the movie, watched it last night with his mom and sister so he wouldn't be distracted from David Bowie by having Kurt so near. He imagined Kurt curling up next to him, head on his shoulder as it had been in the hospital, as they hold hands and maybe not pay that much attention to the movie. His fingers have been itching to lace themselves with Kurt's and he craves the feeling of Kurt's palm against his.

Instead, they sit on the couch with a bowl of popcorn sitting uneaten between them. It's awkward and the tension is sucking the fun out of the room. As Kurt shifts uncomfortably on the other end of the couch, Puck thinks that Kurt _must_ feel how awkward this all is. The movie drags slowly as the uncomfortable silence lengthens and he realizes that if he wants it to end then he has to do something.

He takes the bowl of popcorn and places it on the coffee table in front of them and scoots over to the middle cushion next to Kurt.

“Puck?” Kurt shoots him a confused look.

With a tentative smile, Puck closes the distance between them and wraps his hand around Kurt's. “Shoulda done this in the first place,” he mutters but there's a smile breaking out on his face.

Confusion is replaced by warm amusement in Kurt's eyes. He shakes his head a little even as he moves closer to Puck. Their sides press against each other and Puck can feel the tension melt completely. There's so much left unsaid but Puck isn't sure if he needs to say it anyway because _this_ is what they want.

-

 _For her loud and brash attitude, Puck expected Mercedes to be a little more outgoing in their week-long relationship. She hesitates at almost every normal relationship thing, except to tell him where he's gone wrong, and she freezes when he takes her hand the first time. She looks around as if expecting to wake up from a fever dream._

 _Puck realizes that he's her first boyfriend and, as far as boyfriends go, he's a pretty damn good catch. He thinks she's a pretty awesome catch as well, even if they're just using each other for whatever reason. When they aren't playing the awkward relationship dance, she schools him at video games and gives him a list of her favorite jazz singers. They hold hands a lot._

 _Then they break up and never hold hands again. That leaves Puck feeling a little raw and wondering if the line of girlfriends will end._

-

Kurt and Puck slide into an easy relationship. They hang out after school and sit next to each other in glee. The fact that they're dating isn't exactly shouted from the rooftops but their friends know anyway. Maybe it's from the way they hold hands sometimes when they listen to assignments and the way they're constantly passing notes to each other in the halls and the way they have their own language of smiles.

For Puck, it's _never_ been this easy. Girls have always been complicated but Kurt puts it all up front. Puck gets a say in what they get to do but Kurt lays down the ground rules. On the night they decide to date, with Bowie singing in the background, they agree to keep it secret and safe for a few months and then see where to go from there. Puck is nervous about the changes it'll bring to the way people treat him and Kurt just wants to keep it sacred.

Their secret relationship stays a secret for three whole weeks.

When Jacob publishes an article on their relationship in his blog, the school goes crazy. Puck's skin is tinted blue in a few places and Kurt's wearing his spare Cheerio uniform as they hide out in the choir room. Their friends are an army standing guard around them and strategizing plans of attack and defense. Puck kisses Kurt's temple as Mercedes and Santana discuss possible solutions to the slushie apocalypse waiting to rain down upon them if they step outside.

Brittany offers to be Puck's beard with a leer pointed directly at him. A monotonous chorus of “no”s sweep around the room and Rachel offers to sacrifice herself in order for Jacob to rescind his post. As touching as the thought is, Puck doesn't want Jacob receiving any pleasure from this.

Artie looks up from where he's sitting behind Kurt's laptop and tells them that Kurt's been hacked with a keylogger. Artie explains that though their Facebook profiles are private, Jacob probably got the password for both of their profiles and went snooping around their messages. Puck watches in amusement as Kurt blushes furiously.

Since hacking is illegal and could get Jacob expelled if they bring it to Principal Figgins, they do have blackmail to hold over him. Kurt asks how long it'd put off the slush-pocalypse if they get Jacob to back off of the accusations. Artie gives them three weeks at the most.

Kurt looks him in the eye, asking Puck what he wants to do with a quirk of his eyebrows. He steels his resolve and stands up from his position on the risers, arm stretched out for Kurt to grab on to.

“What are we doing?” Kurt asks.

“We're gonna go out there and face them,” he answers simply. Their hands are together once again, where Puck thinks they should always be, as they leave the safety of the choir room and into the battle zone of McKinley high. It's a cliché thought, but Puck thinks he can do _anything_ so long as Kurt's there with him.

-

 _Their baby is healthy. She's a good size for 32 weeks and the ultrasound technician predicts a perfectly fine labor. They get to watch her move about and they listen to her heartbeat. Puck can almost count her fingers and toes on the fuzzy image. He can't wait to do it when she's born._

 _They walk out of the doctors office in good spirits, hand-in-hand, like an almost normal couple. Quinn tells him about the combination some of the other mothers have had in her Lamaze classes. Puck's just thankful that all Quinn wants is bacon and not pickles on ice cream._

 _Quinn bites her lip as he helps her into the car. He runs around to the drivers side and slides in happily. He gets to see his baby born, gets to name her Beth. He's heard her heartbeat and seen her toes and the way she's sucking her thumb in Quinn's womb. Puck grabs her hand and smiles at her._

 _She doesn't smile back. Quinn's looking at their hands with a sad look and Puck knows what's coming. She pulls her hand out of his grasp and tells him that she's moving out. She explains that they aren't a real family, he needs to stop pretending that they are, and that she needs a place to think. Mercedes has offered her a room if she's willing to take it so that she doesn't have to worry about his mom or his sister or eating bacon in the house._

 _Puck looks at the space between their hands. He's known that they weren't a family, that they wouldn't last forever. He just wishes it could have lasted just a little bit longer._

-

Puck feels like he's walking through a fever dream when they reach New York for Nationals. It's surreal and he's never been this far from home before. The entire club seems to heave a unanimous sigh of relief when they step foot in the concrete jungle. Here, they are accepted for being dorks and nerds and gay. They can let down their defenses and breathe freely and concentrate on winning the biggest show choir competition in the country.

There are twenty-one groups competing, including them. The number is slightly nerve-wracking when they consider they went from a competition of three to seven times that amount. It does, however, give them ample time to explore the city over the long weekend. They get the stage to practice with for an hour two days before they are set to perform, and Puck finds it comforting that Rachel tries to weasel two more practice hours out of the stage manager. Some things will always remain the same no matter how far Puck is from home.

The first stop when they tour the city is Broadway. Kurt has him convinced that musicals aren't all bad, so they all agree to go see the Lion King together before splitting up for dinner. Puck doesn't even try to deny it when Kurt catches him wiping away tears throughout the show.

With Burt there to help chaperon and support their little club it's easy for Kurt to get permission to wander off on his own. Puck just naturally follows him, damn the consequences when he gets back to the hotel. He can handle Schue's ire if it means that he can have a romantic New York City date with Kurt.

They end up at a little hole-in-the-wall sushi bar in Greenwich Village. They happily hold hands over the table and feed each other from a shared plate, unafraid of what the other customers will do or say. When they finish with dinner they find the closest ice cream shop and discuss their college plans over a banana split.

The next two days are a flurry of preparation and waiting. They're one of the last groups to perform and have had to watch every other club in trepidation. Rachel critiques each routine harshly, but Puck can tell that she's worried that they won't place well. Kurt is a ball of tightly coiled nerves next to him.

Puck isn't worried over their placement at Nationals. He can tell that there are ten teams that are not nearly as good as New Directions, and if Rachel puts just a little emotion into her solo then they've got an edge over most of the rest of the competition.

He's more worried about what's after Nationals. Kurt's already looking at design schools and Puck's not sure what he wants to do with his life. There's a bit of him that _knows_ what he wants to do but he can't say it out loud. If he says it out loud, then there's a good chance that he'll ruin it and Puck really likes where he's at right now with Kurt.

Before he can brood on it further, it's their turn to step on stage. Puck loses his worries through choreography and lyrics. Kurt steps up to sing his duet with Rachel as the rest of them _sway in the background_ to provide support. He gets his own solo bit in their big group number and adrenaline pumps through his veins when he realizes that there are thousands of people - possibly hundreds of thousands of people if they're watching on television - listening to him sing.

The rest of the performance goes by in a rush and he catches Kurt's eye a few times. They smile at each other through Finn's solo and manage to brush hands without breaking choreography twice. Rachel catches them and looks like she wants to break character to reprimand them. He just shoots her a wink.

Soon it's all over. They stand still as the final note dies down and the crowd jumps into thunderous applause. Puck thinks that maybe this round of applause is just a bit louder than it was for the teams before them. It definitely feels that way.

They break their stances and begin to hug each other. Puck immediately seeks Kurt out and wraps his arms tight around him. Unafraid, they kiss. Without thinking about it, their hands find their way together. Sometimes they joke that someone surgically implanted magnets in their fingers because they always find themselves attached at the palm, fingers knotted together.

When they pull away from the kiss and Kurt smiles at him, Puck feels the urge to say the words he's been dying to say since he woke up in the hospital with Kurt at his side. So he does say it, nervous and afraid of Kurt's reaction, as they try to understand each other over the riotous cheers from the audience.

“Kurt, I love you.”

“I know,” Kurt replies without missing a beat. “I love you, too.”

-

 _Puck's there when his daughter is born. He stands in the background as doctors and nurses coach Quinn through childbirth. Quinn's shouting abuse at everyone in the room, specifically at him. He's never felt regret like this, regret for causing Quinn so much pain and suffering._

 _Judy Fabray shoots him a sympathetic glance, eyebrows knitted together as she breathes with her daughter. He stands there awkwardly and wonders if it's because he can't do more for Quinn or if it's because of the horror he's watching unfold. Forget the Saw movies, this is so much more gruesome._

 _Mercedes is there as well, holding Quinn's hand and cooing support in her ear. Puck knows that should be him there taking the abused hands as Quinn squeezes through the pain, and it hurts that all he can do is stand in the background like a fool._

 _Then he notices movement and Quinn's cries sharpen further. He sees a crown of thick black hair and soon there's a baby's cry. He's watched the birth of his daughter and heard her first cries. Even Puck is man enough to admit that his eyes welled with tears that threatened to fall._

 _He holds his daughter's hand for exactly seven minutes. She's red and blotchy but completely beautiful. Her tiny fingers barely curl completely around his pinky as he looks down at her. It breaks his heart when he realizes that he will never be able to hold Beth's hand again, so he takes out his cellphone and takes a picture of the moment so that he will always remember how it felt for her to be his for just seven minutes._

-

Despite his claims that he's a sex shark, Puck doesn’t have sex with Kurt until after they've been dating for six months. Puck's afraid of ruining it by rushing into the physical aspect of their relationship, and Kurt wants to date properly without diving face first into sex. They both admit that maybe they're also a little bit afraid.

They experiment plenty throughout the first six months of their relationship. There's a lot of heavy petting and grinding through their clothes. Three months in, they introduce handjobs and blowjobs but they don't go past that. When they start using the L-word - and often - their relationship speeds up. Puck can't get enough of Kurt with the school year dead and gone. Kurt barely lets him out of his sight.

When they finally, _finally_ go all the way, it isn't fucking or having sex. Puck knows it's making love because his heart didn't beat quite like this with the other girls he'd been with. They take it slow, spending hours on each other. Puck comes twice before he pushes into Kurt, and their hands seek each other out and never let go. They rock gently with whispered sighs of adoration against each others skin. They come at the same time, hands squeezed together above Kurt's head as if they’re the only things holding each other down to Earth.

It's perfect, it's love, and Puck will never let go.


End file.
